Reflections of the year past

Hari Raya...
a day of festivities for the Malay population...
Our day of celebration after a month of fasting...
The day when all cousins either congregrate to a single house to see one another again...
And we all ask for forgiveness from one another...

I have never cried more during Hari Raya in any other years than this year alone...
hahaa...
All my aunts and uncles think so highly of me...
They think i'm such a good boy for being so filial to my mom and the aunt who i'm closest with...
They think of me as such a good boy for having made the family proud...
Son of the youngest child yet the most outstanding...
Hari raya never fails to make me cry when all is said and done...
I cry myself to sleep knowing that the whole family, aunts and uncles, my nephews and nieces, expect me to be someone successful...
I never know what to say back at them...
I am stumped...
By their expectations...
By the fact I never seem to fail in their eyes...
By the fact that my every success brings some glory to the family name...

I dun deserve such a warm family...
I dun deserve such a supporting family...
True, what they believe of me does exists within me...
But what if they knew of the fights i've been through?
The unfilial side of me that not even my mother knows of...
The side she will never believe of me...
I tell my friends some...
I keep the rest to myself...
But my family must never know...
They would weep...

I've really worn my body down like mad...
I knocked out today...
For the first time in ages...
I knocked out for 16 hours straight...
From midnight last night till 1600 today...
First time in ages, i didn't dream of her...
First time in ages, i dreamt my peaceful dream...
Just soaring through the universe...
As free as light which travels through the void...
But when i woke up...
I thought to myself...
I'm not gonna be depressed anymore...
Sure, I am sad she belongs to another now...
Sure, I am stressed with a lot of expectations riding on my shoulders...

But I'm gonna be better, stronger and hardier than ever before...
What doesn't kill me will make me stronger...
Don't expect a lot of smilies from me...
Don't expect too much laughter from me...
I'll be friendly... But not too warm...
At least not to ladies...
Not that i hate ladies...
I just don't wanna hurt again...





P.S no... i haven't forgotten, nor will i forget, how much i loved you hon...