School

GAH!!!
This week is cui week sia...
walao...
all projects need to finish doing by this week sia...
either this week or next week...
dammit...
dammit...


i'm depressed...
again...
i wanna go out...
with her especially...
she brightens up my life no matter what happens to me...
she brings me to heaven when i'm down and can't pull myself out...



oh my dear darling...
can i go out with you someday?
pls? <3~

I'm afraid...

i wanna be with you...
i truely, truely do...
i wanna be that guy that brings your wonderful smile around...
to be the guy that keeps you laughing...
to be there for you when you're down...
to support you in times of your greatest need...



but i'm too afraid my immaturity will cost me our closeness...
i dun want things between us to break...
the way we are now puts me in a very comfortable position...
the thought of loving you nvr crossed my mind...
but now my heart longs for it...
calling you my dear, is different from calling other girls my dear...
for others, it just means... my dear friend... as all friends are...
but you... who is truely precious to me...
when i say my dear, i long for you to be mine...
i can nvr be calm around you...
i'm always wanting to make you smile and stay happy...
i wanna make you so happy that in your time with me...
i make you forget your wordly sadness...
even if just for a while...
even if its just an illusion i cast on you...
i wanna make you feel like the happiest and luckiest girl in the whole wide world...











i really love you hon...
i'll nvr give up on you...
no matter what...
only if you tell me to my face...
that you have no feelings whatsoever for me...
then will i break down...and possibly try to will myself to live without you...
and cope with nvr being able to have you as my own...

I miss you

Hmmm... Next year...
I'll be one of the bigger powers in NCC...
In PRSS, i'm the only CLT left...
dunno if shima is still on or not...
Next year...
The mark of a new training regime for the part C next year...
I'm Kinda disappointed in the boys unit...
My girls...
Well... The girls have always been able to fend for themselves...
So I'm not too worried for them...
Hahaa... A certain baby is scared of my plan for next year...
Note * Hon, i wun be so intense on the girls...

But next year, It will be a complete change how i take control in PRSS...
Next years part 'C' will get it from me...
mainly i wun be in action...
but if i raise my head to actually take part in the training...
They. Will. D.I.E...
short and sweet isn't it?

oh... and apparently...
I got my baby pwincess addicted to my fav k-pop music too...
=3
awesome songs man...

When things were finally looking up...

yea...
it really was...
then start of school...
man...
it's been shit for me ever since...
nonstop bad luck and stupid things happen to me...
and smack in the middle of the week...
i got my heart broken...
sweet right?


hey... hon...
if you're reading this...
dun mind me kay...
i need to let off some excess anger built up inside of me...
and i may end up being severely or not so severely injured...
at any rate...
i have to bend a certain promise of ours...

144 hours of open eyes

144 hours that i haven't slept...
i can't sleep coz i'm either with Dee<3...
or hanging out with some of my other frenz...

Mon - 8am...
started with picking Dee<3 up at the airport and her dad...
business trip...
but Dee<3 got time off for me...
aww... so sweet of her...

Tues
Went jogging and lan till like 1300 hours...
Spent the rest of the day with Dee<3...
nuff said...
Did i forget to mention i nearly fell asleep here...
But my dear playfullr picked at my wounds and peeled it open to keep me awake to accompany her through the night coz she can't sleep...
oh well... things i do for the people i love...

Wed
what happened here...
oh yea... spent the morning with Dee<3...
sent her back to her hotel to accompany her dad for a meeting...
then i went to celebrate Zul 18 and how guan 17 bday!
woohoo...
it was kinda lame... but what the heck la...
with me around and troublemaker kage...
things can become fun somehow...
oooh... nearly forgot...
my faggot of a cuz caught me at like 3am when i was hanging out with Dee<3...
to make us accompany him through the night...

Thurs
went jogging in the morn...
then went to penin to look for jeans and a game for me to play la...
i'm bored of my games already...
but in the end.. no games bought but i bought a pair of skinny jeans and a jacket...
then i hung out at zul's place...
went with him to meet some of his frens and had dinner...
tried my bloody hardest to make him forget about a certain girl who he shudn't even care about bcoz of the things she has done to him...
i think i succeeded some...
then hung out with Dee<3 till it was time for her to fly back home to london...

Frid
morn... had a lil chit chat sms with my dear lil blur chubby baby pwincess...
then went to McRitchie for a run...
I was so bloody tired sia... when running then i realised just how tired i was...
For the first time in my McRitchie running... i couldn't make up for the extra one km the boys had to run...
The girls still arrived at the end point earlier than me...
ah hell... I'm tored... its an excuse... not a good excuse... but it wun happen again...
then i had work from 8 - 11...
lost my mp3 in the damn taxi...
hopefully i can get it back...
dunno how la...
ouh... and congrats to my dear lil blur chubby baby pwincess...
she finally knows where i work...
congrats chubby... =)

shhh... i'm thinkiing

Once i rmbr what happened on zul's bday celebration to perfection...
i'll tell y'all kkay?
be sure to tell your frenz...
coz it was one heck of a bday...
more fun and crazy than any that could have been done in or outof sch uniform....
unbeatable in terms of highness and insanity...
until i rmbr fully...
cheerios...
btw...

Happy bday Zul and (upcoming) china man!

This time... I really am scared

If all goes well...
I will not die by the end of the week...
If anything goes wrong...
Well...
At least no one will miss me...
I have successfully made my friends suffieciently happy with me...
Well...
If not, then i beg your forgiveness now...
And hope i haven't been too much of a pain in the ass...
I really did want to tell her i love her sooo sooo much...
But i guess that secret dies with me now...
If i get prosecuted...



damn... shud never have started getting melded into this hacking situation... now... i'll die a sinner... never having learnt to repent fully... i just hope you all remain happy... and positive about life... just glad i was never significant in anyone's life... hahaa... just in case...


fare thee well my friends...
and i wish for your everlasting happiness while you live...

My Issue, Our life

What the hell were you thinking...
I can't live with anyone who disrespects my mom...
My mom is my life...
She has taken care of me all my life...
While I only know you for 4 years...
What the FUCK makes you think i'll choose you over her?!?

Go lick your wounds...
Mend your broken heart...
I'm sorry i was cruel...
But face it love...
I will NOT tolerate any form of rudeness to my mom...
No matter who the hell you are...
I WILL hit you in the face...
I WILL insult you down to your ancestors...
Don't even think of fist fighting me...
I'm small... but I know how to take down people bigger than me...

Remember this lesson learnt my dear...
I will forgive you this once...
But NEVER again will you commit this mistake...

and hon.. i really am sorry...
forgive me for hurting you so badly...
it may take you a while or you may not even want to forgive me...
but i am sorry... well and truely...

RAYA event!!!

need i say more?
actually yes... so...
er hem...
okay okay...
we all were supposed to meet at Baraq O Bammes house at 1030...
but then eh... when me and hadi got there...
only got mummy ayu waiting... (wait... i tell story)
and baraq of coz...
so we waited...
and waited... (bawah block tau)
because mummy said "tak manis" kalau naik then she alone girl...
dia ngan dia punya "tak manis"...[oops... jangan marah ye]
anyways... next was fiaz, then faris...
within 1100 dah sampai...
and then three girls walked in... aidah, sab and lisah...
and of coz... mummy ayu got angry...(main main je)
so we went up to wait for the rest...
so when all is said and done, everyone arrived at like...
er... 1200? was it? i dunno...
all i know was that 1215 we had finished and went over to ayu's house plak...


there, we discussed our route...
ayu was our like... timekeeper/planner/idk what else = mummy...
took the group pic...
well... all guys and all girls pic...
no combined yet...
and hadi made one comment which was kinda true...
i was responsible for finishing a lot of kueh...
(not just ayu house eh... faiz house i finished TWO tupperware of kueh)
anyways...
so the route was...
Baraq, Ayu, Hadi(group photo), Faris Zaki(watch spongebob)...
er...
[travelling](spam travel pics)
er...
whose house was next???
oh ya...
Martin house, sab was so... nervous? idk... she was diff... hahaa...
then Yusuf house... apparently his name gets pronounced as you-suf... mummy... mummy...
then my house... pitstop... eat and drink...
then we were supposed to go to Aziz's house...
but cannot... =(
so... instead... we headed over to Faiz's house...(me & yul spam the kueh and keropok)
then we went to Faiz Dugong house... dinner of rendang and bread...
sedap gilzzz i tell you...
so it was kinda dark by now... eight... next destination, yul grandma house and yul house...
and we were supposed to go to places like fad kaka house in pasir ris and aidah and zah house in sengkang...
oh ya... ami-gay and yusuf dunno go where... then ami-gay rendevous with us at faiz's house...

did i also forget to mention that baraq wore mummy ayu's high heels from faiz's house to faiz dugong house?
that was seriously O-M-G... he was sweating like mad dog when we reach dugong's house...
actually i feared more for ayu's heels than for Baraq himself...
Baraq hardcore... can take it... but the heels... diff story...


anyways... it was late... and khuzaimah had to go home first...
so she left, so quietly... we didn't realise till we did a head count...
so we went to yul's grandma's house...
hung out there... mummy ayu also went off for a while...
well... why she went off... ask her la...
so she met us at yul's grandma place...
then we went over to yul's place...
and in the lift down uh... faris...
i wun paoto you la... kay? bros for life... hahaa...


met yul's bro's group along the way...
as amirul said... they were an unknown bunch of scary people...
i agree... i agree... till i found out they were friends...
anyways... we went to yuls's place till like 1030...
then mummy decided it was too late to be going anywhere else...
and everyone was tired anyways... so we went our separate ways...
pics uh... look for it at facebook yea?
if you want a good quality copy of the pic...
ask me direct... by msn or whatever...
i WILL give you one copy of whichever pic you ask for...

i just...

i wanted to get a bike...
cause biking really makes me feel just so free of my worldly desires...
it makes feel so happy to cruise along the streets...
wait... not happy... no...
i ain't easily happy anymore...
but i feel so damn free...
but i can't get a bike...
my mom feels too heavily to my safety...
she says i can always take a bus...
its SAFER...

yeah... yeah... i agree...
but taking a bus is so confining...
it makes feel like a bird trapped in a cage...
or KoKo in his cage...
KoKo bites, him in the cage is safety for everyone...
i just want to be free of my worldly desires...

mom...
for once...
can't you let me do what i want without restricting my life to confinement?
i've had to hide a lot of things from you because of your life rules that i swore to abide by...
i don't wanna hide anymore things from you...
pls... let me do what i want for once...
no restrictions...
no rules...
and i swear i will nvr come back dead...

Oh God... No...

...
...
...
...


Hackers... are so... irritating...
Damn...
I'm wasting my life erasing them...
From my lappy at least...
But today...
I met a hacker...
It was a girl...
A sweet girl...
She hacked into my lappy...
And I found her looking through my pictures folder...
I laid traps in my network...
She fell right into one...



Guess what...
It was this hacker that taught me how to make this trap...
She was the very same person who taught me how to avoid these traps...
God be willing...
She'll learn her lesson next time...
And guess what...
My hacker today...
Her name is Syafira Amareena... Ira, for short...
Sister to Deeyana Amareena...
Twins and both my lovers and teachers...
(They're seventeen too dammit... I dun go beyond a +3/-3yr age gap)


Yawn...
Now to undo what other hackers have done to my network...
Damn... Dee...
She taught me how to make my network...
And she breaks it all over again for me to redo...
Lucky for her i like her too muc to be angry with her...



Today, an innocent person asked me a question...
She asked...
"What if one day i go crazy?"
"and I become your hacker"
Something like that... I forgot what she said exactly...
Hahaa...
I can nvr imagine her sitting in front a screen and hacking into my network...
It just doesn't fit...
It's like imagining me as a fat boy...
It won't match...
But you nvr know...
Bur actually i dunno what i'm catching hackers for...
I got nothing to hide...
Oh well... I'm bored and am in desperate need to divert my attention...
So what the heck la...




I'm bored...
I'm bored...
I'm bored...
I'm bored...
I'm bored...
I'm bored...
I'm bored...
I'm bored...
I'm bored...

-log off-

Reflections of the year past

Hari Raya...
a day of festivities for the Malay population...
Our day of celebration after a month of fasting...
The day when all cousins either congregrate to a single house to see one another again...
And we all ask for forgiveness from one another...

I have never cried more during Hari Raya in any other years than this year alone...
hahaa...
All my aunts and uncles think so highly of me...
They think i'm such a good boy for being so filial to my mom and the aunt who i'm closest with...
They think of me as such a good boy for having made the family proud...
Son of the youngest child yet the most outstanding...
Hari raya never fails to make me cry when all is said and done...
I cry myself to sleep knowing that the whole family, aunts and uncles, my nephews and nieces, expect me to be someone successful...
I never know what to say back at them...
I am stumped...
By their expectations...
By the fact I never seem to fail in their eyes...
By the fact that my every success brings some glory to the family name...

I dun deserve such a warm family...
I dun deserve such a supporting family...
True, what they believe of me does exists within me...
But what if they knew of the fights i've been through?
The unfilial side of me that not even my mother knows of...
The side she will never believe of me...
I tell my friends some...
I keep the rest to myself...
But my family must never know...
They would weep...

I've really worn my body down like mad...
I knocked out today...
For the first time in ages...
I knocked out for 16 hours straight...
From midnight last night till 1600 today...
First time in ages, i didn't dream of her...
First time in ages, i dreamt my peaceful dream...
Just soaring through the universe...
As free as light which travels through the void...
But when i woke up...
I thought to myself...
I'm not gonna be depressed anymore...
Sure, I am sad she belongs to another now...
Sure, I am stressed with a lot of expectations riding on my shoulders...

But I'm gonna be better, stronger and hardier than ever before...
What doesn't kill me will make me stronger...
Don't expect a lot of smilies from me...
Don't expect too much laughter from me...
I'll be friendly... But not too warm...
At least not to ladies...
Not that i hate ladies...
I just don't wanna hurt again...





P.S no... i haven't forgotten, nor will i forget, how much i loved you hon...

This is a VERY Bad Symptom

I can't sleep anymore...
Well... Not more then three hours at any rate...
When i close my eyes, i see you crying your heart out because of a broken heart...
But once i wake up to reality and find myself tearing...
I nvr could bear the thought of my lovely dear crying...
A different sight greets me...
You will forever be smiling and laughing with another guy whom you love...
It breaks me... It most certainly depresses me...
But i nvr want you to worry for me...
So don't worry best beloved...
I will smile and carry on with life no matter how broken i am inside...
Even if i'm crying of jealousy and sadness inside, you will nvr see my tears...
You will never see my frown...
I will seek to do things that will distraact me from this depression in me...
But though i will never heal from this memory...
You will forever only see my smile...
I promise you this...
Now...
Forever...
Till my death bed will my promise never never break...
For you, i will smile...
For you, i will laugh...
Just so you can have a peace of mind for my mental capacity...




P.S
-> Sorry i'm too late to say this hon... But i really do love you oh so much... So much so i will never fall in love again... :')

Seems Like...

Each time I befriend someone...
I always have to remember the fact that...
No matter what...
Guy or Girl...
This friendship will not be one I won't hurt myself with...

Its lonely being me...
No siblings to love...
No dad to fuss over sports with...
An unreasonable when angry mum to love...
A family that accepts no failures from me...
I dunno who to talk to...
I just wanna talk to someone...
Get some advice...
Someone who will pry from me the feelings i keep inside that harm me...
Or at least feel how its like... To have someone listen to my aches and pains...
But then again... When people wanna listen...
I always don't want to trouble them with my burdens...
After all... My goal is to spread joy and happiness to the world...
Even if this goal would cost me my life which i know it will eventually...

I wanna fall in love...
Ira and Dee... When i think about it...
Everything between us seems so...
Superficial...
Sure... Feelings were involved...
But... It didn't feel like anything special between us...
It was just loving for the sake of making life a tiny bit better...
My heart most aches now when the three girls i loved most...
Are dating other guys and are happy...
I'm happy for them and wish them all the best... Honestly, I do...
But then again... I am just a kid...
Who will I kid, if i say it doesn't hurt me one single bit?

Hah... Look at me...
Babbling on and on like a fool...
Like the kid i was, am and always will be...
If there's one thing that i've always been certain about...
Is that I was born and bred an Observer of life...
I am not fine with it...
But i will live this way...
Because no matter what... I will not deny...
Seeing people smile because of something I did or say...
Is what lights up my life at the end of the day...

The Wonderful World of What If's...

-Receiving Transmission-

it is a wonderful world of imagination...
the place where you think bout what could have happened...
where you imagine what wll happen if you did this or did that...
a place of regret, fear and happiness for some...

recently, i found myself stuck here...
i dunno why...
i just began asking what if questions...
and found myself stuck in a nvr ending cycle...
i am afraid to take the next step now where my heart is involved...
my fear of mistakes...

(oh hey... i finally found what i fearful of...)

damn... i hate this feeling of uncertainty...

being sure of myself was the one thing that i had liked about me...

but now... i'm hesitant to do so many things involving matters of the heart...

and i can't break out of this stupid cycle of asking what if...

and i fear... i fear like crazy...

i dun wanna compromise any relationship i have made...

girls that i love... i became too close (i dun care if its one sided) to them...

i keep asking what if i went into a relationship with em and failed....

i'd so hate for it to be awkward between us...

damn...

damn...

damn...

damn...

damn...

damn...

-End Transmission-

The Art of War... A Beautiful Art...

the art of war is something not easily mastered...
if you actually try to master it by playing massive amounts of RTS's...
you will find yourself losing to the wonderfully scripted AI most of the time if you're not focused or not fast enough...
in a war, be sloe or lose your focus, you LOSE
in game, it means nothing much of course... just a loss...
but if you lose a war in real life... that is not something you want happening...
anyway... here are some cool ass pics that i took from some of the in-game wars i have been conducting...

i dunno... it just looked cool...
if you can't see, i put the leader infront facing the troops to give a pre-battle speech

the war itself... ain't that chaotic coz i already killed all the troops

marines must always be fit for battle huh?

. . .

sometimes...
i just really wish i was like ryu hayabusa...
he's so emotionless and strong...
powerful and deadly...
he's cool... and people don't hate him for being violent...

i'd really wanna kill someone like this...

or just plain chop them in half with a big ass scythe...

damn... he's just too cool...

3... 2... 1... 0...

i am not going to say anything anymore...
you decide for yourself whats good for you and whats bad...
i am tired of trying to advise and people dun listen...
so guess what...
i quit... go look for another advisor...
i will shut up and lose myself to the shadows...

. . .

this day... last week...
i tot my workload would lessen...
it got higher and higher...
and now i wun even be online much...
i have night lessons...(gee... thanks boss... baka...)
i have my game character to fully ptogram and finish designing...(yeay to long hair...)
and i exams in a couple of weeks time...
two camps this month...
wait... three actually...
two NCC and one IITSC camp...




ah... i'm overworking again...
geez... i dun get enuff sleep...
ah well... if there's one thing i rmbr of my old man...
he told me, "you can sleep when you die"
well o well... my suit's ready...
just waiting for my energy to go completely zero...
and i'll just fade away...


its the thing i do best...

hahaa

i dunno whats going on anymore...

i.... am so clueless nowadays...
i wonder around aimlessly and hope to be given work to do...
but no one's talking to me...
the twins are busy, i understand...
and everyone else has their lifes to attend to...
i wanna help out... but no one's asking me to...
i'm afraid if i help un invited... i may end up doing the wrong thing...

damn... i can't hang out under my block alone anymore...
ow... it hurts... i think i got in three fights today...
an all high time record sia...
but i think i broke my ribs... it hurts like insane siao...
huh... tmr go jog with horo and hadi...
long time since i jogged... glad i'm picking up again...
i could use the weight loss...
and the guys do make me laugh so very easily...
i just hope...
i get well soon...
this sadness is killing me...
the loneliness bores into me like a drill...
i just wanna see her and go out with her one more time...
one last memory...
before i start to decide...
whether i live or die in this world of madness...



just wiished i had enough courage to actually ask her out on a date...
pffft...
*skulks in the shadows*